The truth cannot be found

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One of the hardest things I've had to come to terms with in dealing with the healing, with the full immersion of self into pain, is the state the pain creates and the mind's, or ego's approach to protect the self at any cost. You cannot trust what you think when you are under duress of this kind. It serves you nil. It serves those around you nil. The cumulative impact of listening and projecting is pain, loneliness and regret. 

This feels easy to type now. Being 11 years into this process (and less acutely before then) gives you a good and reliable map of behaviour and outcomes, and even then, when you can see it so clearly, the ego will step in and tell you lies to keep you away from acknowledgement of your own pain. Imagine a mother trying to stop a baby burning itself. The ego is the mother, the baby is the self. At some point the baby must experience a pain to stop it carrying out the same thing twice. 

As I sit here today, it's taken me a failed marriage, loss of friendships, a near failed second marriage. I still find myself thinking (ego-thinking), it's not me and my behaviours. Then the brain comes in, weaves the story and articulates the pain out into the world to keep me safe. Safe from becoming a full human being. Safe from experiencing love and care, because the risk of that being opened in me and rejected again is at the centre of what keeps me away. 

It's a paradox for sure and why healing is so hard. You do it over and over and over, until one day, you think, hang on. Maybe it is me. Then your world starts to slowly crumble away as you realise you're not who you thought you were. Piece by piece, until there is nothing left, other than the truth. When there is nowhere to go, there is only one way to go, and that's back in.  

There is no level of advice or guidance to accelerate this process. I hurt others. I was and still am in a lot of pain. I was prepared to take myself to nothing to start again. And this is hard.  

 

 

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