The Possible Project

My path has taken me down a long road. It's cliche I know, but it's true. My conclusions are still forming as my subconscious works in the background unpicking my insatiable thirst. There has always been a niggle, a question, a sureness to a better place. What I never understood is that niggle was sat deep inside me. My problem solving, my kindness, my empathy, my people pleasing, it was all inward schism folding outwards and into the world. This is one of the concepts I struggle with most as I reflect. We reward those traits, we value those people, we elevate them. But does it all come from a place of internalised suffering that is obscured by the validation and rewards we receive? Is true humanity actually based on a pure sense of self and no need for feeling better through external measures, or is that the hearts last door being closed? This, I think. This is the question. The underlying niggle in those seekers who have adapted in a way that doesn't nourish. It happens a...

When you've touched the bottom, the absolute bottom before it falls away, and climbed back, it makes you certain.  Certain in ways that is very difficult for others to understand. Difficult in ways that define your knowing in a manner that tries to "fix" people. Learning to hold a position of equanimity is the path. That IS the route to giving people the space and time to understand their own energy, their own drama.  Articulating this when under attack or framed as a cause for feelings and negativity is only learned through walking the same path and being held by someone who could also hold you. It's love under circumstances that create suffering and it's the souls last gambit. Or is it just an elaborate lie to be told for one last time by an ego holding on for dear life.  Maybe the thoughts whirling around my head are pointing to something else. Even holding an ounce of what it was that contained you for the journey of release is a capture in itself, a method to...

One of the hardest things I've had to come to terms with in dealing with the healing, with the full immersion of self into pain, is the state the pain creates and the mind's, or ego's approach to protect the self at any cost. You cannot trust what you think when you are under duress of this kind. It serves you nil. It serves those around you nil. The cumulative impact of listening and projecting is pain, loneliness and regret.  This feels easy to type now. Being 11 years into this process (and less acutely before then) gives you a good and reliable map of behaviour and outcomes, and even then, when you can see it so clearly, the ego will step in and tell you lies to keep you away from acknowledgement of your own pain. Imagine a mother trying to stop a baby burning itself. The ego is the mother, the baby is the self. At some point the baby must experience a pain to stop it carrying out the same thing twice.  As I sit here today, it's taken me a failed marriage, loss of f...

For 11 years I have seen my sister as a victim of circumstance. Things that happened to her. Things that were out of her control. For 11 years the feeling of anger, betrayal and hatred were buried deep inside me, where they would allow me to paint my world with tinges of red, black and putrid yellow. Of course I didn't know it. Not then. Not 11 years ago, 5 years ago. 2 years ago. 6mths ago.  Then it passed over me. I was lying in bed, my wife was exhausted. Her breathing laboured as she too has reached the end of the emotional pool that is it possible to reach. There is nothing left. I saw her stressed and recalled the support and efforts she has made for me, my family, since my sisters death by suicide in May 2015.  As it passed over me, I thought the people who gave up, who stopped coming, who didn't want to be around a house of grief and sorrow. Deep, inexplicable grief is not easy to sit with for anyone. It's a lonely place. I thought about the price my dad paid, my mu...