Coming from nowhere

One of the hardest things about dissolution, the dissolving of the self is being nowhere, no-one. Nothing. 

At least when you were adapted and blind, there was a you, a pattern playing out in your world that people associated with you a personality, a person, "there's no-one quite like Richard". My relationships, I have understood relied on the energy that moved through me and into my world to remain afloat. The kind one, the funny one, the crazy one, the one with no limits, the one that would bring every ounce of himself to every engagement. The remnants of this remain as the void starts to take over and the old self hangs on to provide some ballast to the floating in your own space. 

This period is also the loneliest. Perhaps the quietest so far, as the need to perform abates and you feel the grief of the self that was and is no longer. The pain is deeper but less violent. It is surrender from within. It is forward motion and sometimes that's all that matters. Today, as I write now is one of those moments. Lucky to be in a position to be sat 30km east of Bordeaux with a huge view, warm temperatures with people who love me and whom I love around me. Albeit they are unaware of my feelings. It's how it should be at this stage. 

Why lonely? Well let's face it. There are very few people that dissolve to nothing. A process of multiple hits on the system, repeated suffering and pain to a point where overwhelm breaks you open and the battle between ego and self begin. For some, the most adapted, the most cognitively lived within, the matrix, the patterns and the constructed ego are strong. They had to be to keep you alive. To release the construct in one go would overwhelm to such a degree that the total collapse of nervous system regulation would come next. This is what I believe happened to my sister. She never had the safety or resources to step back fully, working harder and harder to fight against the self. She took her life. She was very lonely. None of us saw her. 

I'll sign off having expressed my feelings today. It's good to get it out and I hope a beacon of hope to people going through a similar process. There is room at the other side for a new life. I know that for sure. What I am less sure of is who I am, what makes me me, and how I will walk in the world now, tomorrow and for the rest of my life. What I am glimpsing is the power of choice. Of a clean baseline to build from. That is more than enough for now. The fight, the pain, the letting go has given me a clean sheet. I cannot wish for any more at this point.